I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
