im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
