I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
