I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
