actually, I'm a sock model
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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