dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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