I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
