Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
