You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
His nipple licking is glorious
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