I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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