I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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