cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Two words: blizzard sex
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
