Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
