I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
