You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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