remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
