Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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