i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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