If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
