yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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