i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
