I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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