I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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