He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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