at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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