Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
