Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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