In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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