i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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