Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
