ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
