My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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