my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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