do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
