turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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