My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
