dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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