I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
