WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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