Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
