It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
