My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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