I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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