just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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