first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
