My underwear smells like fireworks.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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