I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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