I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
