You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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