My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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